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  • Sword swallower in check-out line swallows elderly man's cane as prank.
  • Mercury thermometer tells young digital thermometers a story of how hard life used to be.
  • A galapagos turtle turns 150.
  • A grandpa tries to bolster his claim that he had to walk uphill both ways using geology.
  • A man quits his modeling job before fully vested.
  • Old Pillsbury Doughboys retire to the Home for the Day Old.
  • Dick Tracy watches as his new nemesis, Plum-Face, is born due to falling to a vat of anti aging Retin-A.
  • Janet's sleep comforter does a horrible job comforting her.
  • Husbands compare scars caused by their wives kicking them under the table for things they said.
  • A surgeon gets a fortune from his patient's stomach during surgery.
  • A woman thinks she sees her Red Hat Society group at the beach, but it's just bald men with sunburned scalps.
  • Credit card is being replaced by bank because it is expired.